October 22, 2011--I married the love of my life and began a very happy life together. Before our wedding we discussed our plans for the future with regards to starting a family. We agreed that 18 months would be a good lapse of time before we would be ready to start a family. (This was a compromise with me leaning more towards waiting only a year while Rob wanted to wait two.) Thus began the not-so-fun year of birth control. I'm sure all the mood swings had Rob thinking what happened to the women he fell in love with because this crying, moody woman wasn't her! After a hard first year we agreed that we would get off of birth control and just "not try" to get pregnant.
January 2013--this month began the "not trying" but trusting in God phase. I admit that I honestly thought God was going to allow us to get pregnant pretty quickly. I had, after all, been dreaming about being a mother ever since I can remember. Imagine my surprise and disappointment when 3 months passed and no pregnancy! I assured myself that everything was fine and we continued "not trying."
April 2013--Then, it happened. The inevitable that happens to everyone's group of friends a year or so after they all get married--couples begin getting pregnant. At first it was a random couple here, a random couple there and then all of a sudden it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant. Everyone, except us. My calendar began filling up with baby shower invitations and gender reveals. Month after month of more friends announcing their happy news and it seemed like we were never going to be able to experience the same joy. I admit by September I was getting very depressed, sad, even angry. I truly wanted to be happy for each couple but would find myself with a forced smile, saying congratulations but then crying myself to sleep at night. I was truly happy for every couple and their exciting news but it was also like a slap in the face--that couple had what I most desperately wanted. I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant and I couldn't.
By the end of the year I was very frustrated. To make matters worse people started asking when we were going to start a family or why weren't we having babies yet or even to hurry up and join the fun!(Looking back I know that all those comments weren't meant to hurt my feelings. It's just a common question that people ask. Something that I am also guilty of!) However, every comment felt like a dagger thrust into me. I responded very negatively to most comments assuring myself that my rude retort was warranted and surely the person would never ask a question like that again!
January 2014--By this month an entire year had gone by with no pregnancy. Surely something is wrong with one or both of us! Rob went to a urologist to be tested and everything came back normal. For months I had been taking various supplements prescribed by my alternative medicine doctor Dad. I then switched doctors and went to see my new OBGYN. During my first visit I broke down sobbing about how we couldn't get pregnant. She immediately sprung into action and told me that we had a plan! She suggested I start Clomid (a fertility medication) that day if we wanted to and that we would also do some blood work. I hesitantly told her that I would like to talk to my husband before starting any type of fertility medication but we would hopefully start Clomid the next month. By this time so many of our friends and family knew our struggle to get pregnant. So many people were praying for us. The beginning of February came and I honestly thought that this was our month! Imagine my disappointment when I got a negative pregnancy test 9 days late!
By February I reached a point where I was able to give the whole fertility saga to the Lord. Here are a few excerpts from my prayer journal:
February 12th: "Help me to trust in YOUR timing and learn to be patient. I do pray
specifically that we would get pregnant during the month of February. I pray this in Jesus' name..."
February 14th: "I pray for contentment and peace regarding getting pregnant. Help me to cry out to YOU whenever I think about not being pregnant rather than crying. I pray and trust that YOU will bless us with a healthy baby and I pray and trust that YOU would open my womb and allow me to get pregnant this month."
February 24th: "I pray for a baby LORD. I pray that YOU would open my womb and allow me to get pregnant this month with a healthy baby. Help me to by joyful and happy for others who are already experiencing this journey."
March 2014--Rob and I had agreed that we would start Clomid on my next cycle so I was all set and ready to call my OBGYN on Friday of Spring Break to begin our first round. Wednesday (3/12) of Spring Break I was shopping with my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law and experienced some weird cramping in my abdomen. I thought it was weird but didn't think too much about it. The next morning, without telling Rob, I took a pregnancy test. (The test was purchased for $1.00 at Dollar Tree.) When the test showed positive I didn't believe it, it had to be wrong! It was, after all, from the Dollar Tree! I casually told Rob on the phone that we might be pregnant but it was probably a mistake. I assured him that I would buy a more expensive test (because those have to be accurate!) later that day. The next morning I woke up at 5 am (remember, I was still on Spring Break) and took another test. Imagine my excitement when it was positive and even told us we were 2-3 weeks along! I woke Rob up with the happy news. Instead of calling my OBGYN to schedule a round of Clomid, I called to set up an appointment to confirm our pregnancy!
From a medical standpoint, Rob and I didn't suffer with infertility. We are grateful that we didn't have to go through the heartache of IVF, IUI, etc. However, this journey was still a struggle. I believe God was in total control over our story of getting pregnant. One thing I didn't share was that in February of this year Rob started a new job. This job enabled us to change insurance companies which has better medical coverage. His new job also allowed more stability for Rob and his work. God allowed us to get pregnant DAYS after he started this new job. What a wonderful way that HE has provided for us!
I wrote out our story as a way for me to remember what we have gone through the past year. So I don't forget. I am so happy that we are pregnant and will soon hold our sweet baby in our arms. However, I do not want to forget the heartache I experienced when we were waiting, trusting, and praying for God to allow us to get pregnant. So many people struggle with fertility (so many more people that you think). We often take it for granted that when we want to get pregnant (POOF!) we get pregnant. God allows things to happen in HIS timing. How are we going to react when we have to wait? I admit that there were many times that I had a horrible attitude during the waiting period. I cried and thought it wasn't fair. However, I do think that this experience has brought me and Rob closer and deepened my relationship with God.
I Thes. 5:16-18 "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
